Bipolar Journey: How I Got Diagnosed

I talked a lot about mental health ever since I got my diagnosis. It was, somehow, liberating and confusing time of my life. I finally knew what was wrong with me, at the same time I was confused about what to do next.

Well my journey of getting diagnosed was not easy and short. It was tiring and expensive. I always knew something was wrong with me ever since junior high. I always worried. I was always an anxious kid in school. I got panic attack several times at school. Yet, some people would call me an attention seeker. Well, I didn’t know at those time it was called panic attack. No one knew! Mental health, at that time, was not talked about as much as today, maybe at all.

These panic attack and anxiety continued to high school and college. I cant remember how many times my friends brought me to emergency room. I didn’t know what the doctors did to me at those times. But one time, I remember a doctor prescribed me diazepam. Well that should be my first clue. If you don’t know, diazepam is an anti-anxiety med. It gives the calming effect and makes you sleepy. But no doctor told me what was wrong with me let alone explained the med they prescribed me. I was getting used to it.

The peak was 3 years ago. 2018. The time I got transferred to a little city called Muara Bungo. I never thought that I would be this messed up. A new environment, a new office, a new job desc, and problem with my family made me feel overwhelmed. Those were the triggers. All at the same time. I just couldn’t handle my own emotion. Darkest moment of my life. I remember the pain. I kept wanting to die. I cried everyday with no apparent reason. I hated myself for not pulling myself together. My husband worried about me. He kept pushing me to seek help. But I was reluctant to admit I need help.

Few months went by, I was still not getting better. I tried to talk to a psychologist. I told her what happened to me, and told her I had no idea why I felt that. I even sobbed in front of her. I was tired. But she was not the a perfect fit (?) for me. She said I was immature, ungrateful person, and I just needed to relax. She said all those mean things to me at the first time I met her. 🙂 And she said that she could heal me, I didnt need any meds. I just need to accept and forgive. She said I was like that because I didn’t accept and forgive the things happened in my life. It was absurd. What to accept and forgive? I had no idea.

I was at the lowest point psychologically and emotionally. And that made me feel worse. I was so tired being told to be grateful. I was grateful for all the things happened on my life. Well not everything, but most of the thing. But that didn’t make my pain gone. I still cried everyday, wanted to stop living. The worst thing of having mental illness is no one understands the pain, even this so-called psychologist, she even belittled me and the things I felt. That when I felt so helpless. I didn’t want to seek help anymore. I thought all psychologist were all the same.

Then I tried to go to a psychiatrist. I never planned to visit a psychiatrist. I thought I was not that problematic enough to visit a psychiatrist. It was 2019. I went alone to Bandung and then I went to Jakarta to meet some friends. But, when I was alone in my hotel room. That gnawing feeling in my chest came uninvited. I called my husband, sobbing, telling him I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to die so bad. I banged my head to the wall. I cried to sleep. Next morning, my husband came to Jakarta. He asked me to meet a psychiatrist. I declined at first. Because I didn’t need to be told I was being overdramatic. And the last psychologist visit traumatized me.

But, he was persistent. So I said yes. Then the next morning we both went to a hospital to get my first psychiatrist consultation.

I didn’t get my diagnosis at the first visit. The doctor just told me that I had depression and anxiety symptoms. And prescribed me a few type of meds. Well, 4 different meds! And those med didn’t make me feel any better :)) but I kept trying. I kept seeing this doctor. He changed the med, the dosage, the mix. The med affected my behavior, my emotion. I didn’t get the perfect mix in months.

And finally the doctor change all of the med and prescribed me with lithium and some other meds. It was game changer. I feel much better. And that when I got my high. Hypomania. I was not so sure. But I felt so good, energetic, social, and impulsive. I remember I just slept for 2 hours every night for more than a week and didn’t feel tired the next morning at all. At around that time my doctor gave me the diagnosis, bipolar disorder.